I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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