Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
