guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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