I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Randomize
