I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
