So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
