I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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