She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
