I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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