I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
