Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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