fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
