i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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