so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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