would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
