I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
