Just cropdusted the office
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
