so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
