Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
