I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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