guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
