quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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