capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
