I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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