Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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