You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
