I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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