i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
