so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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