I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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