got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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