am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
