dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
