since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
