By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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