can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
