My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I feel like a drive thru vagina
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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