I'm jealous of your bromance
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
