So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
