I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
3 2 1 whiskey
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
