quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
the raccoons are back...
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