Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
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