i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
