She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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