This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
