I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
His hands were made for my vagina.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
