Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
