Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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