dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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