goodnight i made you a song goodbye
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We left an ass print on the piano.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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