There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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