i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
