I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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