put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
we're so committed to being not committed
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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