Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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