On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize