I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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