Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
that is very illegal...i love you.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
