I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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