sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize