Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
